Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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