just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Text me some of your sweat
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