Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
