Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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