You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
