Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
