My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
