i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
