she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
