i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
