I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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