I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
