So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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