He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
