Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she told me i tasted like america
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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