Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
