I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
