dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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