A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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