when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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