Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
