I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
