Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Bring me that man meat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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