I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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