i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
