hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
