He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
