mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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