My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
