my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
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I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
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Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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