the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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