At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
