I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
