I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
