Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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