Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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