and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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