its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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