I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
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I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
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We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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