Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
