My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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