Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
