She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
