highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
