i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
