i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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