god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The air was thick with penises
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
