When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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