Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
