yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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