bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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