True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
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the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
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I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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