I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
