I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
