You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you traded sex for a burrito?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
