Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
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