I CAN MOONWALK!
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
